U Can't Touch This

It was 1990 … and I wasn’t exactly “cool”.

I was that 14-year-old awkward cerebral girl who’d read a book in the cafeteria at lunchtime, while everyone else acted out the teenaged dramas of junior high.

But secretly … every day after school … I’d go home, turn on “Video Hits” recorded from the day before, and learn the choreography to the hits of the day. FLASHBACK: Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm Nation”, Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative”, etc.

It was therapy and a means of self-preservation for a working class geek in a wealthy little New Brunswick bedroom community.

And then … an offer. To be in the Miss Riverview Junior High pageant.

Hell on Earth, you ask? Well, yes, in some ways. But also a chance to liberate me and a few of the other brainiac girls who may not have made the social “cut” amidst the popular kids, but somehow found ourselves preparing to walk across a stage in fancy dresses as if we actually had confidence.

And of course, every little beauty queen must possess a talent. While the other girls prepared beautiful classic songs (Dust in the Wind, Somewhere Over the Rainbow), ballet routines, played instruments, and recited poetry … I had to rely on the only talent I had: basement dancing.

I’m still not quite sure where the shy little 14-year-old Heather Robinson found the confidence, but I spent two months practicing in the basement and learning all of the choreography for … wait for it … MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This”. Complete with the huge harem pants and that weird spider-like jittery move across the dance floor. Laugh if you will … but it was 1990 and that song/video was hot, man! J

Finally, pageant night.

My mom’s friend had sewn the fancy dress as well as my MC Hammer outfit (blue silk bolero jacket and bright red harem pants). We went through the fancy dress walk, questions from the judges, and eventually the talent portion of the evening.

A local radio host and a former pageant queen looked at each other and in the dorkiest way possible said: “Do you know what time it is?” “Why, it’s Hammer-time!” … cue the curtains opening to me in a funky pose.

After grooving … doing multiple pelvic tilts at the judges … and getting the crowd on its feet … they eventually crowned me Miss Talent. Wow, what a feeling!



That was one of the last times I performed on a stage by myself … showing my true essence and being completely powerful yet vulnerable in expressing my creativity.

Until June 6th … when the circle completes … I can’t wait!!


*Note: This would have been a beautiful little tale if it ended there … but although the ugly duckling turned into the swan in one night … it also led to a year of bullying by girls, prank phone calls telling me “you never should have won Miss Talent”, and being ostracized yet again by the “cool” kids. Yes, it hurt, but deep down I knew that on at least one night as a teenager … the debating geek had walked away with a tiara. So … na-na-na-na-na!